LIFE

Bewildered and baffled are an alliteration that has converged all at the same time and I am not quite what to make out of it.  All I keep doing is squinting as if I can try and see into the future of what it is that you are doing in my life and where you are guiding me.  The same question arises, “What do you want me to see and what is it that you would have for me to do?  Because I know that what I saw today happened in front of me for a reason but I am at a lost as to – the why?  Not a good minute after I pulled out for lunch and not a block from the job a car on the opposite side of the street seemingly to me, barely hit the curb but it went airborne and flipped over onto its roof and at first I thought it wasn't real or wasn't happening or that somehow I had found my way onto candid camera or a movie scene that no one had informed me about.  Immediately, I thought about the person and pulled over thinking that I was going to call the police from my cell and possibly have to run over there and perhaps see a dead body but fear didn't stop me because I knew that whomever was inside of the vehicle, they were going to need immediate assistance; just for getting out of the car, not to mention of they were injured.  God – you were both with them and me because rights at the corner were two police cars and they rushed to the scene as well as others.  Humanity when needed will step up to the plate.  I merged back into traffic feeling thankful that I didn't have to witness carnage on any level and when I peered back through my side mirror I didn't see anyone looking to be overcome with grief, so I was hopeful that the person(s) were not dead on impact, though how anyone could have survived seemed to be beyond me.  In a daze I drove another block up to the bank ATM where I was headed and I heard the sounds of sirens and knew that because the police officers had called in the emergency that rescue would respond quicker than I could have with my cell phone.  I was getting the money from the ATM in order to go and pay a speeding ticket I had gotten last month.  After driving as safely as I could downtown, I dreaded not being able to locate a convenient parking spot on a road adjacent to the courthouse.  I focused my attention on going to the parking garage in hopes of finding a spot.  While waiting at the stop light I glanced over and saw a parking meter and a space that I was sure that my car would fit into and it did.  The problem I faced was that I didn't have any change.  When I looked over and saw the Chuck E. Cheese token, I thought perhaps this could work but when I went and looked to see if there was any time left on the meter it was thirty-seven minutes remaining and I was close as anyone could want to get in vicinity to the courthouse at 12:30 in the afternoon.  When I got to the courthouse, the line meandered and wrapped around the divisional divides and I began to think that I was going to be late getting back to work and started planning my call back into the office to give an explanation as to why.  Needless to say… The line moved at a steady pace and I was back out to my car with nine minutes left to spare for another driver and I arrived back to work on time.  As I was driving back and as I was walking back up to the office, my emotions were on heightened alert because not too long ago I myself have been involved in two different and harrowing accidents and I was either able to walk or drive away and it could have been so much more devastating and who wouldn't think – why me or why not me?  Life can change for better or worse in an instant.  As I scrolled my Facebook news-feed someone had a short video of a fetus barely formed but you could see that it was a baby – a human being; and they were admonishing that abortion was murder.  I had never seen an actual live fetus and it was moving and breathing and trying to fight for life.  Sadly, I have murdered two of my own via the choice of having an abortion but the video connected me to the two babies that I chose to cut their life off - All of this happening within an hour time.  I cannot help but to wonder what is it that you are trying to say to me Lord?  I am fighting with everything I have daily to hang on to you until you bless me and life keeps bucking me to try and make me concede but your will in me won’t let me go.  I didn't want to write and pray but I know that the best time to write and to pray is when I don’t feel like it.  However, it is not about how I feel but rather about knowing that prayer works and that is why I serve you.  I am a ball of emotion and as of right now I still don’t know which way to turn, so while I am in limbo, I will turn to you until you direct the path that I should go.  Just before heading out to lunch and before all of this started I had been writing and posting words of encouragement.  Then as soon as I step away filled with your spirit, out of nowhere - Life happened.  No matter what happens in life, as long as I have you, I know that all is well.  Thank you Father for keeping me when I no way deserved your blessing, provision, protection or even salvation.  Thank you Lord Jesus for being the propitiation for my sins and the ONLY reason that I am able to approach the throne of mercy; and even boldly ask petition for things and for life.  Amen!